Alright, so before I go into my scary experience in London, I have to give you some back story. Around May of this year I started experiencing some anxiety. There were several factors that contributed toward this anxiety, and at one point it felt very out of control. My days would be fine, obviously I was teaching and had to keep it together. But the anxiety would manifest at night. I had trouble sleeping, or if I was able to sleep, I would wake up constantly with my brain spinning. The anxiety progressed into panic attacks. They were mild at first. where I just felt my heartbeat increase and had slight difficulty catching my breath. At the end of May I had a horrible attack in the middle of the night where I truly thought I was going to die. Because I was living at my parent’s house at the time, I woke up my mom and told her I was dying. Before you jump to thinking that this sounds exaggerated and dramatic, I want to try and explain what a panic attack feels like. It is as if someone flips a switch. Suddenly this aura comes over your brain, it feels kind of fuzzy and you might feel a bit dizzy. For me, it always felt like my heart was going to explode or give out. There would be insane pressure in my chest and I would be gulping for breath. It is absolutely terrifying and it is incredibly horrible to feel like you cannot control the situation. That night my mom was able to talk me through it, and I came out of it within about an hour. But it scared me enough to go to the doctor in the next couple of weeks. I got a full physical and my heart was completely fine. So was all of my blood work. This put me at ease, but the doctor offered me meds for the anxiety. I did not want this. I would NEVER judge anyone for being on meds for anxiety or depression or anything else. I think it is a very personal decision and extremely necessary for many people. Thank goodness we have these medications for those who truly need it. For me, however, I’ve had bad experiences with medications in the past and I simply refused to go on medication before at least trying to deal with this situation with natural remedies. This is right around the time I started Plyojam. I felt like daily exercise and meditation might help with the situation. And it did! Even with the anticipation of the massive life change of moving abroad, I did not have another panic attack the entire summer. I just worked out daily, meditated, stretched, practiced breathing exercises and slept like a baby every night. As I traveled to Europe, I thought the problem was behind me. I did bring Xanax with me JUST IN CASE, but I was confident that I wouldn’t need it.
Skip forward to our second night in London. As I mentioned in my last post, Erin did some amazing research and found some really cool places for us to eat and drink. Hakkasan in London is this sort of edgy upscale restaurant serving Cantonese cuisine. It has an almost night club feel as you walk up to the door to find a doorman and a woman with a clipboard. After giving our name, we had to descend two flight of stairs down into the restaurant. Nothing about going underground to the restaurant bothered me or made me feel claustrophobic I was more caught up with looking at the decor of the restaurant and noticing what everyone else had on their plates. :) The restaurant definitely has a glitzy and seductive feel. Glamorous Eastern decor, dimly lit sexy ambience with a bit of a “who’s here?” feel. We ordered drinks and a few dishes. The first dish, a sesame shrimp toast, was incredible. The second dish, a salt and pepper squid, was absolutely delicious. It was after digging into the third dish when the trouble started. It was another shrimp dish, described as spicy on the menu. Now, I am a spice lover! I love pouring tabasco on my eggs, cholula on my burritos and salads. So I am not sure what happened here. But I took one bite of that shrimp and my mouth was on fire. And suddenly, that switch flipped in my brain. It suddenly felt like the spice was going to close my throat. I started gulping water, but the panic had been triggered and was starting to spin out of control. You would think this would be something you can control. You would think you could logically tell yourself that you are fine, that you are breathing, that it’s just a little spice, not a big deal. Not the case. Your body starts to shoot out adrenaline and the shakes kick in. It is so terrifying. This is where I have to give Erin so much credit. I don’t think I had even talked to Erin about my panic attacks a few months prior, so she was completely caught off guard. I looked at her wide eyed and said “I’m having a problem. I can’t breathe.” You can imagine how scary this would be if your friend said this to you in the middle of dinner. To be honest, I cannot remember what Erin said. I know she remained very calm, which was a HUGE help. I stayed seated for a minute or two and realized that if I didn’t move, it was very likely that I would go down in the middle of the restaurant. Despite being in the throw of a panic attack, my brain was working enough to realize this would be humiliating. Even mid attack, I wanted to keep it classy. Ha! I quickly stood up and started grasping for my purse. I remember yelling that I had to get out of there. I grabbed my glass of water and went running. I was like a damn olympian taking those stairs two at a time in four inch wedges! I remember the hostess saying that I wasn’t allowed to bring the glass outside as I streaked by, and I simply responded “emergency.” I made it to the top on wobbly legs, hit the fresh air gasping for breath. My body was trembling and I just kept sipping the water. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!?? I can only guess that the spice triggered this feeling like I couldn’t breathe. And suddenly I was deep down in this basement crowded with people and I could not breathe. It was horrible. Erin followed me upstairs after taking care of the bill and was so comforting. I was so grateful that she was with me. It was so embarrassing, not to mention I completely ruined our fancy dinner, but Erin was very understanding. I recovered within about thirty minutes as we walked back to our flat. While I was of course embarrassed and frustrated for messing up our dinner, my bigger concern was why this was happening. I still wonder. I know that stress and anxiety can manifest in a variety of ways. We use multiple coping mechanisms to deal with these stresses. Exercising daily had become a big part of my remedy, and I had not been able to exercise as regularly while traveling. Also, the big life change of traveling for a year may have been sitting on the surface ready to rear its head. I don’t have it perfectly figured out. I would imagine this is something I may have to deal with again. This is a really personal thing to share, but I wanted to share it because I know I am not the only one dealing with something like this. Many people suffer from panic attacks and it is nothing to be ashamed of. There are ways to deal with it and many techniques that can help the situation.
Our dinner at Hakkassan may have not turned out exactly as we had planned, but it was certainly an experience we both won’t forget. And of course, we stopped for dessert on the way home, so the night was not completely ruined! Haha! For me, it just confirmed my ability to trust Erin and know that she will be calm and take care of me in an emergency situation, as I would for her. It was a really scary experience. As I am writing this post a month later, I can happily say I have not had a similar situation. For that I am so thankful.
I promise my next post will be happy happy! But I had to share this experience…it’s not real if it’s all unicorns and rainbows right?
Travel Tip #5 - Skip the spicy shrimp. Ha!
