Being on TV When You Aren't A Size Two (or Four or Six or Eight)

In past blogs that I’ve written, I’ve often included the familiar quote, “Life starts when you step outside of your comfort zone.”  Over and over and over I have discovered the sagacious accuracy of this wisdom.  It has continued to rear its head in my life, especially of late, like one of those flashing marquees running through my brain as I make decisions on a daily basis. I have been so fortunate to take a year off of work to travel, explore, and go on adventures near and far.  I am six months into my journey, and these experiences have been such an incredible gift, something I will cherish forever.  However, having this opportunity to step away from my daily routine has also given me time to think (YIKES!) and examine parts of my life (DOUBLE YIKES!).  And let me tell you, this is when it can get hairy.  Because let’s be honest, sometimes we just don’t want to face the yucky stuff.  It’s the worst!  Sometimes we just want to huddle in our comfort zones where it’s safe and warm, and not delve into the parts of our lives that need work, need focus, and need attention.  Those things, the things that may be lacking in our lives, have usually shriveled up and been neglected due to fear, discomfort, laziness, or some other not wonderful factor.  And while I am so incredibly proud of many of the things I have accomplished in my life, the last six months have afforded me the very fortunate (but PAINFULLY uncomfortable) opportunity to also start facing my shortcomings.  

In particular, I had to take a good long look at my health.  I have never been a skinny minnie, but in the last eight years or so, I lost control of my weight and my happiness plummeted. I mean, yes, I was surface happy.  People who have met me over the past eight years probably thought I was a confident, outgoing person. I certainly have TONS of happy memories from the last decade.  But now that I’ve had a moment to pause and examine, I know that underneath that exterior happiness, was a whole lot of sadness.  And associated with that sadness was shame, guilt and self loathing.  While I desperately wanted to gain control of my health, I think I just pushed it to the side because the alternative seemed too hard and far too risky.  What if I failed?  I mean, was my weight really that big of a problem?  I had tons of friends, a few boyfriends along the way, a stable career, a good home. I suppose you could say my comfort zone seemed….comfy!  Why would I leave?

But it has been in this wretchedly beautiful pause in my life that I have stepped back and said WHAT THE HELL?  This comfort zone is NOT ONE BIT comfy!  It is actually padded with misery.  Nope.  Nope. Nope.  This is not how I want to live.

So I've taken control.  Or at least I've started.  And it started with stepping outside of my comfort zone.  First, back in June I made myself start working out.  Can we talk about how hard that was? I was tired. I felt lazy. I didn’t want to. I felt gross in workout clothes. I couldn’t keep up. The other girls are so fit.  Wow, do you see all those thoughts that were whirling around in my brain, holding me back?  I finally got sick of it and told those nasty negative thoughts to kick rocks. I found a workout that works for me.  One that I love, that feels more like hanging out with friends than working out.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s HARD, but it works for me, which is such a crucial aspect of exercise. I’m also more careful about my eating habits.  I’m not perfect, because I LOVE FOOD, but I am thoughtful and intentional with my eating habits. And most importantly, I’ve surrounded myself with people who are so positive and supportive. I am so thankful I have friends I can call when I am tempted to shove a pizza down my gullet because I’m having a bad day.  When negative thoughts arise, I try to see them from a different point of view, with a more positive spin.  I work hard to alter my thought processes, to turn them to the light when they start creeping towards the dark. Of course I still have bad days, but my resiliency is so much better.  So the bad days are more like, twenty minutes of yuck, and then I move on.   

Which brings me to the point of this blog.  We are nine days into 2015 and I’ve had to take two GIGANTIC leaps outside of my comfort zone already.  My workout class, PlyoJam, has been featured on the news twice!  I’m so PROUD!  In each of the features, dancers who know the PlyoJam routines were needed for the news spots. I know the dances, but I was petrified.  I have made progress with my health, but I’m not at my goal.  And I do not look like the other dancers.  Many of them are instructors, and some of them look like they are G*d Damn Olympic ballerinas. (I say that with love girls!) And I’m going to stand next to them on LIVE TELEVISION and dance?  Nope. No way.  Hell to the no.  NOOOOOOO!  

Or….  maybe… Maybe I should? Ummm, yes?  Yes!  YES!!!! I’LL DO IT!!!!!!!

I’m not where I want to be yet with my fitness goals.  But why not celebrate how far I’ve come?  Why not take a risk and do something exciting and new and support a fitness concept I love so dearly?  Why not show others who may be watching the segment that they don’t have to be a size two to shake their booty’s and work up a killer sweat?  This mindset is the exact thing that has allowed me to continue on this journey.  I stopped thinking of happiness as being this far away concept that would happen someday when….when I attained my weight goals, when I found a great man, when found a career I loved, when I had traveled the entire world.  Oh my goodness that can be SO discouraging because the when can often seem so far away.  Instead, I decided to be happy NOW.  To be happy with what I’ve accomplished so far, to be happy with myself, to be happy with where I am, and to be happy that I get to continue the process.  Which is exactly why I said yes to dancing on camera, not once, but twice in nine days. 

So what did it feel like standing next to my gorgeous fit dance pals on the news?  While I still had to fight my fears and my discomfort….in the end, it felt fucking awesome. It feels like life is just beginning...because I've stepped outside of my comfort zone.