Solo in the Suburbs: We Have Nothing To Fear...But Fear Itself...Unless, Of Course, You Are Lost in a Foreign City!

This is my 19th night away from home and I’m struggling tonight. I feel really homesick and I just have a general feeling of discomfort. Nervous stomach, unable to sleep, headachey, etc. I’m in this really odd hotel a bit outside of the city center, and just now I was sitting out on the patio hearing the cars go by and feeling a bit dishelveled. Tomorrow I board the bus to Gredos for my week at the language school and I’m sure this is contributing to my weird feelings today. I don’t fully know what to expect, what I’m walking into, how I will do speaking to Spaniards for hours on end, how the food will be, how well I will be able to sleep, etc. While I’m there I don’t think I will have internet access and this makes me nervous. How ridiculous am I? There are people in this world who still sleep under thatch roofs in the jungle. And I’m complaining about the fucking internet? It’s making me giggle just typing this. Which in turn is making me feel a bit better. Yay, thanks blog! To be honest, I know it would be incredibly healthy to be unplugged for a week. But I’m just going to come clean and say the whole thing makes me a little nervous. It’s funny...and PLEASE don’t think I sound conceited saying this...but I often have people tell me they think I’m very courageous. I do NOT say this to sound full of myself. If you know me well, you know I am far from it. Ew, cocky people are the worst. But I guess some people think the things I do are pretty brave and that my life has influenced decisions they have made. I’ve received emails from people telling me about situations in which this happened. And apparently thinking about what I might do in their situation helped them make the bolder decision that ended with an awesome result. WHAT!?! While this is so very flattering, it always catches me off guard because half of the time I walk around feeling pretty anxious about things. Sometimes I catch myself in the situation that is so completely obscure I am literally chanting “What the hell am I doing?” in my head over and over and just wishing I could be at home on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.

Let’s use last night as an example. After the Flamenco show (more on that show in another blog) I was starving and looking for something easy to eat. After walking several blocks I found myself in a totally unfamiliar area of Madrid. I had accidentally left my guide book at home and my phone died (too many videos of the dancers I think!) So I’m alone and lost in Madrid at midnight. Awesome. It is an insane feeling to feel completely lost in a foreign place, in a sea of people who don’t speak your language, without any tools other than your senses to get you safely home. Madrid is not as English speaking friendly as Paris, so trying to explain to the taxi driver where my hotel was located was like trying to explain to my students why they are going to need to know cursive some day. “Because I said so” doesn’t work with a cabbie. Anyway, after circling around a bit I thought I saw something familiar so I had him drop me off. Oops, nope. Not familiar. Lost again. Holy cow was I starting to get nervous. I could actually feel my brain starting to edge toward full blown panic mode. I started to question myself...what was I doing, why did I take this trip, why did I travel alone, no one else I know is doing this, why do I always get into these crazy situations...blah, blah, blah. That critical scared voice reared its ugly head. But then I just sat down on a bench, focused my energy for a second, absorbed some possible outcomes, and decided to embrace the opportunity to explore and hope that my senses would see me home. And guess what? I was back to my hotel within the hour...stopping first for some crazy delicious street pizza and to watch some dancers perform killer acts in the plaza. Aw yes, see how it all worked out? But believe me, it started with “What the hell am I doing?” Lesson learned, stay calm, stay present, and trust your senses. And think about how much better this experience was than sitting on the couch watching reruns! The other lesson learned, keep your darn phone charged while traveling alone in a foreign county.

I guess I just want to take this opportunity to be really honest about the fact that most of the stuff I do makes me pretty nervous. Most of the things I have accomplished in my life have not been comfortable. In fact, most have been difficult and scary and nerve wracking. I’m kind of a chicken!! But the decision I have made and tried to stick with is that fear will not stop me. It will not create unnecessary road blocks. And I am a firm believer that if you aren’t just the slightest bit uncomfortable, you probably aren’t growing much. So I’d like to think I’m on my way to an enlightened and brave life where fear does not drive my decisions. There are areas of my life in which I have really implemented this thought process and have truly disallowed fear to inhibit me. There are certainly other areas where those ugly walls ‘o fear are still stubbornly standing strong and need to be bulldozed. Working on it. I love the short and simple quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: “Do one thing every day that scares you.” This I will most definitely keep doing, for I feel it is the best way to be your absolute best self. On that note, the knots in my stomach are just a bit looser, my mind feels just a little bit clearer and I think I can now grab a few zzzz’s before I begin my next adventure in the morning. Thanks for reading. xo

P.S. I've included some oh so silly selfies…